When you have a baby that's born into the NICU, you promise yourself that as soon as they get out, you're going to put that experience behind you and make sure they lead a full, happy life. You tell yourself that you won't be over-protective and keep your child from doing all the the things that other children enjoy. You listen carefully to all the doctors and tell yourself that 2 years isn't that long to put off doing things because, after that, man oh man! you're gonna have a blast. You hear about the "disadvantages" of a preemie spending time around other kids while they are infants since kids pass germs like wildfire. You avoid seeing friends (especially those with kids) and only spend time with immediate family. You do all this, because it's a small price to pay to protect your child while they grow big and strong - even if some of your friends don't understand. You become a maniac during RSV season and do things like, wait with the baby in the car while someone else runs inside a store. You keep hand sanitizer in your car and use it religiously even if you smell like alcohol all the time.
You do all this and more because there's a big payoff - the older your child gets without getting sick/hurt the lower their risk of long-term complications or anything else.
Then, you approach the 2 year mark and it's time to put your faith where your mouth is. It's just so exciting! No more leaving the house just to go to the doctor! No more missing church because confined spaces are off limits! Yay!!
Yeah...
It turns out it's not so easy after all. Letting go and allowing her to see and explore the world is almost as hard as being restricted all these months. The more we do, the more she likes people and is ready to hug and talk to them. I have to resist the urge to wipe her hands with sanitizer when she touches anything. You always think that one parent will be over-protective and the other would be easy breezy and not worry about anything. Not in this house! B is even worse - the man worries about things that I don't even consider!
Two weeks ago, we decided that it was time for her to go to Toddler Church while we attended the adult services. Then we chickened out at the last minute and took her in with us. Brian had to practically sit on her to keep her still, so we decided that she was definitely going the following week. Besides the tracheotomy when she was unconscious, she's never been left alone with anyone but one of us or our mothers. Ever. We take her to the door and B hands her to the teacher and she started to cry and I kid you not, I was sure he was going to take her back and run out of there. Then I act all tough, pull him away and say that we need to make a clean break because the longer we stood there, the more worked up she would get. Guess who left church after 20 minutes to go look at her through the window? That would me. Of course, she was quite happy, walking around the room and "talking" away.
Now we just want to put her in a bubble. Going to the park and the beach are easy - she's with us and can have fun just like that. Yet I know that we can't protect her from everything so we'll keep taking small steps toward her "independence" but I suspect I'll always worry as every parent does. Until I was 24 years old and got married, my own mother came into my room many nights and checked that I was still breathing!
Lord help us when it's time to send her off to college. Though my friend Amy insists that by then we'll pack her stuff for her and happily send her on her way.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze...
Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. Isaiah 43: 2,5
